Mallory's Bad Morning
by Red Witch
Summary: Civilian life is never easy for a former spymaster.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has had a fight or something. Just some little things that came through my tiny mind. They all add up to…**

 **Mallory's Bad Morning**

"Good morning," Ron said to his wife as she entered the kitchen fully dressed. Ron was in his bathrobe and pajamas at the kitchen table. He was eating breakfast and reading the paper.

"Where's the damn coffee?" Mallory snapped as she looked at the coffee machine. It was empty.

"What?" Ron said testily. "No good morning?"

"Good morning," Mallory said. "Where's the damn coffee?"

"I still can't figure out how to get that damn thing to work," Ron said. "I have instant and there's hot water."

"If I wanted instant coffee I would just grab some dirt and throw it in a cup," Mallory sniffed. "It's practically the same thing anyway. How is it my own **genius** husband can't figure out how to make coffee? Something even Carol can do!"

"The crazy Tunt girl can **make coffee?"** Ron was stunned.

"Apparently certain roasts go great with glue," Mallory sighed. "And the caffeine boosts some of the drugs she takes."

"I can't do caffeine as much as I used to," Ron admitted. "If I take too much it gives me the shakes. I find a nice cup of tea does the trick. Combined with some fruit in the morning I'm as regular as one of Mussolini's trains."

"Just what I want to hear the first thing in the morning," Mallory snapped. "The morning report on your bowel movements. Like I didn't hear enough last night."

"You know damn well that Chinese food goes right through me," Ron snapped. "It was **your idea** to have it. Besides you made a few trips to the bathroom yourself last night!"

"I think that shrimp was old," Mallory winced. "It tasted old. At least I think it did. I can never tell with all those spices."

"The shrimp wasn't only thing old around here," Ron told her.

"Don't start with me Ron," Mallory grumbled.

"Look Mallory, it's a fact," Ron said. "The older you get, the more you have to get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom."

"A fun little factoid I'm sure Pam will rejoice when she hears it," Mallory said sarcastically. "It will increase her dump time."

"Look just have some tea," Ron said.

"I don't **want** tea!" Mallory snapped. "I want **coffee!** If I wanted tea in the morning I would have married a British lord!"

"You mean like Gussie?" Ron asked sarcastically.

"Oh, for God sake's Ron," Mallory rolled her eyes. "No. He's too fat."

"From what I've heard it never stopped you before."

"Do we really have to do this **now**?" Mallory asked.

"You're the one who started it!"

"Fine!" Mallory snapped. "I'll just stop at that coffee shop near the hospital again. They may be overpriced but at least they can brew a cup of coffee."

"Going to see Sterling again?"

"No, Ron," Mallory said sarcastically. "I thought I'd dabble in open heart surgery. It would be one way to make money around here. Since those idiots that work for me can't."

"Look maybe I should check in on work for you?" Ron suggested. "See what I can do to help and what needs to be done."

"You? Check on **my agency**?" Mallory scoffed. "That's what I love about you Ron. You always manage to make me **laugh**!"

"Well I couldn't do any worse than **you!"** Ron snapped. "I may not have your managerial style sweetheart, but I'm pretty sure I can figure out a way to make money that doesn't involve treason!"

"You always throw that in my face!" Mallory snapped.

"To be fair, it's a pretty **big thing!"** Ron said. "Especially when you have the nerve to criticize my business skills!"

"Ron, running an agency is different than running a few car dealerships."

"I know. My way actually **makes money**!" Ron snapped.

"I'm leaving!" Mallory grabbed her purse and stormed out.

"If only that were permanent," Ron muttered under his breath.

"I **heard** that!" Mallory poked her head back in. "And that can be arranged!"

"What are you gonna have me shot again?" Ron snarled.

"Depends," Mallory said sarcastically. "If my friend on safari in Africa brings back a live lion!"

"You know the only reason I haven't asked for a divorce yet is because there's a chance you might drop dead one of these days?" Ron shouted.

"Keep dreaming **Sweetheart!** " Mallory shouted sarcastically. "Half the men I've dated have been wishing that for **years!** Spoiler alert, I've outlived **most** of them!"

"Maybe I'll get lucky and **you'll** get shot by the Yakuza?" Ron shouted. "Or Cheryl."

"Maybe I'll get lucky and you will just **drop dead!"** Mallory shouted. She slammed the door and went to her car.

Only to find a familiar brown haired older woman in a blue dress looking at her with disapproval in her eyes. "Must you scream like a fishwife in the morning?" Mrs. Kensington, Mallory's next-door neighbor glared at her. "You know half the neighborhood can hear you right?"

"Wonderful," Mallory said sarcastically. "I was just wondering if you would show up. My morning isn't complete without an idiot yelling at me in my own driveway."

"Ms. Archer," Mrs. Kensington said. "We need to talk."

"Oh, what are you here to cluck about **now** , you chicken?" Mallory snapped. "If it's about my damn lawn being half an inch above regulation I told you. I will have it cut as soon as I can find a competent gardener!"

"Actually, you're an inch and a quarter above the association guidelines," Mrs. Kensington sniffed. "But that's not why I'm here."

"That's all my lawn **is** , is an inch and a quarter!" Mallory snapped. "I mean it's not high even by an ant's standards!"

"No, but it is extremely green," Mrs. Kensington said.

"So?" Mallory asked.

"You are aware there is a drought going on right?" Mrs. Kensington remarked. "We are under water restrictions."

"Well I only drink scotch anyway," Mallory waved. "What does that have to do with me?"

"It's not about drinking water!" Mrs. Kensington snapped.

"Well of course I have to make ice!" Mallory snapped. "You expect me to have my drinks warm like an animal?"

"I'm talking about how green your lawn is compared to how the rest of the neighborhood looks!" Mrs. Kensington snapped.

"Well it's not my fault that my lawn is lush and green while everyone else's looks like straw," Mallory sniffed. "Now that I think about it, isn't **that** a violation of your precious code?"

"Not if you are using water in a drought!" Mrs. Kensington snapped. "You're wasting water!"

"It's not wasting water if I'm keeping my lawn beautiful!" Mallory snapped. "Which is upholding the standards of the neighborhood. Such as they are."

"Standards in this neighborhood sunk when **you** moved in!" Mrs. Kensington bristled. "You are the most rude…vulgar person I have ever met!"

Mallory raised an eyebrow. "You were never properly introduced to Pam Poovey were you?"

"This will be brought up at the next neighborhood association meeting!" Mrs. Kensington snapped. "And you will surely be written up and fined with a citation!"

"And I will surely **ignore it** ," Mallory remarked. "Like I've ignored all the others. Is that all or do I have to bend your underwear?"

"Bend my…WHAT?" Mrs. Kensington gasped.

"Oh, that's right you're not familiar with that charming little phrase," Mallory remarked. "It's said a lot back east. It means I'm going to hit you with my car so hard even your **underwear** will be bent!"

"Well I…never," Mrs. Kensington gasped.

"Then you've lived an extremely sheltered life!" Mallory snapped as she went to her car. "And if you don't get out of my driveway it will become a very short one!"

Mrs. Kensington squealed as Mallory started her car and revved it up for effect. She ran out of the driveway just before Mallory sped out. As Mallory sped out of the neighborhood, she happened to drive into a neighbors' plastic trash barrel and knocked it over, scattering trash everywhere. Mallory simply kept on driving.

"Great," Mallory grumbled, ignoring the people from the house screaming at her. "If that trash can leaves a mark on my car I will sue!"

Later on the freeway…

"God, I used to think the traffic in New York was bad," Mallory grumbled as her car slowly went down the highway. "STOP LOOKING AT YOUR PHONES ASSHOLES AND MOVE IT!"

"DON'T YOU DARE BEEP YOUR HORN AT ME BITCH! I'M NOT THE ONE HOLDING UP THE LANE!"

"WILL YOU GET OFF THE DAMN PHONE AND **DRIVE** ALREADY? LOOK! YOU COULD HAVE MOVED INTO THAT LANE! GOD DAMN IT!"

"HEY! ASSHOLE! THERE'S THIS NEW INVENTION CALLED A **TURN SIGNAL**! **USE IT!"**

"COME ON! COME ON! SOME OF US HAVE PLACES TO GO!"

"KEEP YOUR EYES **ON** THE ROAD AND **OFF** YOUR PHONE! THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE PEOPLE!"

"Why the hell did I let Sterling convince me to leave New York and move to this hellhole? God! Even the traffic on 42nd Street wasn't as bad as **this!** "

"And back then I actually had a driver to take me places! I didn't need to worry about this crap!"

"COME ON! MOVE IT! SOME OF US DON'T HAVE ALL DAY!"

"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME FOR ASSHOLE? LOOK AT THE ROAD!"

"I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON'T STOP LOOKING AT YOUR PHONE AND MOVE IT I WILL BEND YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

"I should have had some toast. I'm starving! Ugh! Maybe I should switch to tea?"

"THIS ISN'T A PARKING LOT! MOVE IT!"

"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU IDIOTS MOVING SO SLOW? MOVE IT!"

"DID YOU MORONS BUY YOUR CARS FROM THE SAME PLACE AS MY SON? BECAUSE HIS CAR DIDN'T MOVE EITHER!"

"IS **THIS** WHY YOU'RE ALL SLOWING DOWN? TO LOOK AT SOME IDIOT CHANGING A TIRE? WHAT? THIS IS **FASCINATING** TO YOU?"

"MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT! AND GET OFF THE DAMN PHONE!"

"OH, DON'T GIVE **ME** THE FINGER! I'LL GIVE **YOU** A **BLACK EYE!"**

"YOU REALLY WANT A PIECE OF ME? I ONCE TOOK OUT SEVERAL NAZIS WITH A SHOVEL! I'M PRETTY SURE I CAN TAKE ON A PENCIL NECKED GEEK IN A VOLVO!"

"THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT BITCH!"

"MOVE IT! AND GET OFF THE DAMN PHONE!"

Later Mallory arrived at the hospital…

"Sterling you will not **believe** the morning I had!" Mallory grumbled as she brought her coffee into the room. "First Ron picks a fight with me because he doesn't know how to use a coffee machine. Then my idiot neighbor picks a fight with me over how I grow my lawn. Then another idiot puts their trash cans right in the middle of the road. I'm just lucky my car wasn't scratched."

"Then of course I drove in the most horrible traffic," Mallory went on as she sat down. She drank some coffee before going on. "I swear chimps are better drivers than half the people in this state. By the time I got here I was famished and dying for a decent cup of coffee. So, I went to that café by the hospital. The coffee is all right but their bagels are sub-par at best."

"Another thing I hate about LA. At least in New York I could always get a decent bagel. And yes Sterling, I do eat bagels. At least once a month! Or once every two months. The point is when I do have a bagel I expect it to **not** taste like a stale sponge!"

"And then when I do manage to get up to see you, Brunhilda at the front desk had the audacity to try and lecture me about bringing in coffee. I told her that as long as I am paying for this room I will bring in a **mariachi band** if I wanted!"

"Okay maybe the agency is paying **some** of the expenses? But not as much as you think."

"I don't know what to do, Sterling," Mallory sighed. "Ron and I fight almost all the time now. Even worse than before believe it or not. Money is tight. We haven't had much work. You don't want to **know** what those idiots do. Honestly, I'm tempted to not go back to the office. I think I'm happier that way."

"I'm telling you Sterling," Mallory took out a flask from her purse and poured it into her coffee. "They are **not** keeping it together. Lana's barely holding up as it is. But the rest of them? Ugh. They've become even more incompetent and drunk than normal. And that's saying something."

She took a drink from her spiked coffee. "It's not easy being the strong one of the group."

Mallory paused. "I can't believe it. All these years I wanted to have a conversation with you not saying something stupid…Careful what you wish for I guess. Now that I think about it, you being in a coma **is** the only way to have a conversation with you not saying something stupid."

"I'd even settle for one of your stupid phrasing jokes."

"Oh Sterling. I don't know how much more I can take. I just want you to wake up and start sassing me like you always do. I just want everything to be normal again. Well as close to normal as we can get. Sterling I…"

Mallory's phone then rang. "Who could **that** be?" Mallory answered her phone. "Hello?"

Mallory frowned. "What do you want Mrs. Goldberg? What do you mean I racked up a few **more** citations? FOR WHAT?"

"I did **not** try to run over Mrs. Kensington. Please I was nowhere near her."

"Well she threatened me first. She did! Besides she should learn to mind her own business."

"WHAT? Those idiots put their garbage cans in the middle of the road in the first place! In fact, I was lucky my car wasn't scratched! I have half a mind to sue them for obstructing the road."

"I have to water my lawn! Okay first you complain about how we should all follow the same standards to keep our properties looking good. And then when I do try to follow those standards, you complain about it! Which is it?"

"No, I don't think a drought is a sufficient reason. If anything, it's a time when we should hold higher to our standards. My lawn is not **that high**!"

"Really? You want to complain about **my lawn**? I've seen **your lawn.** You should be written up for poor upkeep! I think you're just using this drought as an excuse for slacking off!"

"Fine we'll just agree to disagree. You think I should pay the fines. I disagree. Goodbye!"

She ended the call. "Can you believe the **nerve** of that woman?" She said to her son. "What a…"

The phone rang again. "I swear I can't get a moment's peace," Mallory grumbled as she answered it. "Hello?"

"Ron? What? Oh, for crying out loud. No, I did **not** try to run over Mrs. Kensington. If I did she'd be flatter than a cushion sat on by Pam."

"It's an **expression,** Ron! An expression which I've heard **you** say quite a few times!"

"Those garbage cans were right in the middle of the street. They were! They were! They were! Are you taking **her side?** I don't care if the neighborhood is up in arms! I'm still not going to…Hang on. I have another call."

She transferred the call. "What? Yes, Cyril I am coming in. When **don't** we have a situation? I can't hear you Cyril, I think Lana's screeching in the background. What do you mean that's not her? Cyril? Cyril? Calm down Colonel Panic I'll be there around noon! To handle whatever crisis is going on! AS USUAL!"

She hung up on Cyril. "It was the office Ron," Mallory sighed. "Apparently something else has gone wrong. Yes **again!** Don't start with that Ron! Well that's not going to happen!"

"Ron, we've been **over this**. I'm not retiring. I'm not ready to retire. No, I don't think everything that has happened these past few years are a sign! Oh really? Really? Seriously?"

"Look you knew I wasn't going to be a housewife when you met me! Oh ha, ha, Ron! Very funny! You're a regular Jerry Seinfeld!"

"Ron, we will talk about it when I get home. Oh ha, ha. Like those snobs would ever touch a pitchfork. It would dirty their precious dainty hands."

She hung up the phone. "It's like nobody in my life can handle anything! Well look who I'm talking to."

Mallory sighed and took another drink of her coffee. "I just don't know how much more of this I can take. These past few months without you have been so hard and…"

Her phone rang again. "Oh, what **now?"** Mallory groaned as she answered it. "Hello?"

"No, I don't want solar panels. Did you hear me? I don't…IS THIS A DAMN RECORDING?"

She shut off her phone. "Sterling maybe you have a point about machines taking over? Just not the way you figured."

"Forget terminators, the machines are going to annoy us to death!"

Her phone rang again. "I don't believe this. Hello? Hello? What the…? _Another_ damn recording?"

She hung up. "This one was a message about buying drugs online. If I want drugs I'll have Krieger make them!"

"The irony is that those two calls were the **least** annoying part of my day! And it's not even noon!"

Mallory's phone rang again. "What did I tell you?" She answered it. "Hello?"

"Yes, this is she. Who is this again? Oh Rosewood Country Club. Yes. I remember now. I applied for membership when I first moved to California. I forgot all about it. I've been so busy. And my only son is in the hospital."

"What do you mean by you know? What? You had a background check on me? Well I suppose that's expected to keep the riff-raff out. Why is that ironic?"

"How **dare** you? Do you know who I am? Yes, I am aware you did a background check on me! But you…What? **What** did Trudy Beekman say? And more importantly how the hell do you **know** Trudy Beekman? Oh."

"Fine! I wouldn't be a member of your pretentious club even if you begged me and offered me a blow job! Get bent!"

She hung up the phone. "Now **that** call I would have _preferred_ if a machine had delivered it!"

"The real irony is that the machines are actually more pleasant than people!"

Mallory sighed and took another drink. "Another little twist of irony. You're actually the only one who **isn't** pissing me off today. That has to be a record."

She took another drink. "And this is probably some of the best quality time we ever had. Well that and the weekend you beat up your cousin and set fire to your wretched aunt's house. Stuck up bitch deserved it. That kitchen needed serious remodeling anyway. And I never did like that little snitch of hers."

"We've had some good times didn't we Sterling? I can't think of too many right off the bat but still…"

The phone rang again. "Now what?"

Mallory answered the phone. "Hello? Ron? What's wrong **now**? What do you mean there's a mob in front of our house? A group from the neighborhood association? Do they have pitchforks and torches? Well then, you're overreacting."

"Of course, they're complaining to you about me. Because they don't have the guts to talk to me face to face!"

"Technically I never actually pulled a gun on any of them. I just threatened to. Of course, that makes it better."

"Well that's **not** going to happen. Ron, we are **not** going to kowtow to the Neighborhood Police. And we're still keeping the pool filled. That's not the issue Ron! I moved to the suburbs so that I could relax with a nice pool at the end of a hard day! Ron what's the point in having a pool if it's not filled for when you want to use it?"

"That's like having a gun and not filling it with bullets. Just pointless."

"No Ron. No Ron! I don't **care** Ron! I am not going to submit to Her Royal Highness! It's going to take more than a few lousy papers and some hyped-up homemakers to get Mallory Archer to submit!"

"I don't care if you have to face them! It's not like you have anything important to do today!"

"Don't start with that Ron! You're the one who's always saying I should delegate responsibility! Well I'm taking your advice. I'm delegating **you** to handle Mrs. Goldberg and her Golden Oldies Gang! Good bye Ron!"

"I should have just gotten an apartment in the city," Mallory grumbled as she hung up the phone. "Why did I think having a house in the suburbs would be better? No pool is worth this kind of hassle."

Later back on the road…

"Speaking of hassle…How the hell can there still be **traffic?** " Mallory snapped as she drove through LA. "The morning rush is over!"

"Not that these idiots are in any rush. I've seen turtles move faster."

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING? IT'S CERTAINLY NOT **DRIVING** THAT'S FOR SURE!"

"GET YOUR EYES OFF THE PHONE AND ON THE ROAD!"

"THE LIGHT IS GREEN IDIOT! THAT MEANS YOU GO! MOVE IT!"

"WHAT THE HELL IS ON YOUR PHONE THAT IS SO **FASCINATING?** IS THERE SOME KIND OF IDIOT APP OR SOMETHING?"

"HEY BIG SHOT! WHY NOT GET A DRIVER THAT ACTUALLY **KNOWS** HOW TO HANDLE A CAR INSTEAD OF TRYING TO DO IT YOURSELF? YOU CAN OBVIOUSLY AFFORD IT!"

"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE DRIVING! YOU HAVE A LANE! **STAY** IN IT!"

"I'M **SORRY**! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU OWNED THE ROAD!"

"OH YEAH? WELL YOU'RE JUST LUCKY I'M A LADY! OTHERWISE I'D BUST YOU IN THE KNEECAPS ASSHOLE!"

"MOVE IT! AND STOP LOOKING AT YOUR DAMN PHONES!"

Finally, Mallory arrived at the Figgis Agency. Only to see Lana and Ray standing outside. "This does not bode well…" Mallory groaned as she decided to park her car on the street.

"All right what are you two doing **outside?** " Mallory asked as she got out of her car.

"Staying out of the line of fire," Ray quipped.

"It just seemed safer than being inside," Lana added.

"Of course. Stupid question," Mallory groaned. "Who did what **now?** "

"Krieger came up with a new business venture," Ray explained. "Selling albino peacocks to rich people."

"That's a **thing?"** Mallory asked.

"Apparently," Lana sighed. "However…"

"Krieger made them super powered and now they're running amok," Mallory finished.

"No, just running amok," Ray shrugged. "They're regular albino peacocks. But it turns out they're bad tempered birds so…"

"SCREEEEEEEEEE!"

"AAAAH! GET THEM OFF!" Cyril was heard screaming. "GET THEM OFF!"

"OW! THAT'S IT!" Pam was heard. "NOW IT'S KENTUCKY FRIED PEACOCK TIME!"

"OH GREAT! THIS IS JUST LIKE EASTER AT AUNT CALPURNIA'S ALL OVER AGAIN!" Cheryl was heard. "GO AWAY STUPID BIRDS!"

"GET BACK IN YOUR CAGE! BACK I SAY!" Krieger shouted. "OWWW!"

"So the birdbrains are being attacked by actual **birds** with **brains?"** Mallory sighed.

"The irony," Lana remarked. "We know."

"Why aren't the other idiots out here with you?" Mallory asked.

"Because we locked the door after us," Lana said.

"They were being really annoying today," Ray admitted as he took out a cigarette.

"YEOWWW!" Cyril shouted.

"To be fair," Lana said. "I don't think they've noticed we've locked them in yet."

Mallory groaned. "I'm going back to the hospital. After a quick stop at a bar…"

"IT'S THE PEACOCK APOCALYPSE! AAAHHH!" Cheryl screamed.

"Make that a long stop at a bar," Mallory went back to her car.


End file.
